What is Disenfranchised Grief?
Before we completely understand what disenfranchised grief is, I think it would be wise to have a grasp on the definition of grief. Grief is a word that many have heard but it takes going through it to truly be able to describe it. Although there are many different definitions, a few words stick out to me in each of them. “Deep sorrow”, “adjusting to the absence of someone”, and “overwhelming emotion.”
While grief is something we all will more than likely experience in our lifetime, sometimes grief is not always accepted by those around us. No matter what stage of grief someone is in, people just want to be understood. The very opposite of this understanding nature is what we call disenfranchised grief. This is where people around you do not accept or downplay the grief you are feeling about the loss of a certain person or thing.
One example of disenfranchised grief is that grief should have a time limit. Oftentimes we hear people say, “it’s been over a year” or “that was so long ago.” That completely undermines the relationship that the person had with the person or thing that they lost. Grief is not one of those things where after a year all is well and people just move on. No, it hits you at the moments you least expect it in the craziest ways. I used to find my grandma crying on certain days when I was a kid and I always thought someone hurt her. She used to tell me how the smell of something or hearing a song reminded her of her dad. My grandmother lost her dad decades before I was even born, and her grief was just as strong decades later because of how special of a bond they had.
That brings me to another example where people may experience disenfranchised grief, the relationship you had with the person or thing that died. My gut wrenches every time a client tells me something along the lines of “well I know I was just his best friend” or “well I only knew her for a couple years compared to others.” This shows a major downfall of society that you must have a certain relationship title with someone to grieve. Some kids do not have a mom, dad, siblings, grandmother, etc. The bonds people make with each other can sometimes be stronger than relationships with someone who is considered family. While family is often given grace during a loss, there are other people that mattered to the person or thing that died who also should be allowed to grieve in the proper manner.
Another example that is very near to my heart is the loss of a pet. My whole life I wanted a pet, begged my mom and dad, which the answer was always no. My grandmother got a dog when I was in elementary school that I was close to my whole life until it became sick. Dude, my grandmother’s dog, was one of my best friends. He would always greet me at the door and lay next to me while I was doing my homework. Dude became sick and my grandmother tried everything in her power to help him, but he was tired and needed to go home. The days and months after his passing were hard for my grandmother. She died just last year, and I don’t think her heart was ever truly the same after Dude passed away. But, although we all knew the love she had for him, there were people who did not let her grieve because he was “just a dog.”
My colleague, Robyn Sonnier, and I run a Pet Loss Grief Support Group once a month and the same theme comes up every time, “people think I am crazy because I am taking this loss so hard.” Many pet owners who have lost a pet or those who know that one day the inevitable will happen, know what their pet truly is to them. The loss of that pet, for some, is the equivalent of losing their child. Yet, people who do not have a pet are unable to see the similarities and often minimize the feelings that person is having.
While there are many examples of disenfranchised grief, these are just a few that stick out to me from my sessions with grief clients. So how do we, as humans, help those around us who may be experiencing grief that we would normally not recognize as significant? That is just it, make it significant. People want to be understood, that is a basic human want and those grieving are no different. Grief is sometimes the most tragic experience that some will have to face in their life. Be a guiding light for someone through those times.
But the best advice? Treat others the way you want to be treated. You never know when you may be the one experiencing the deep, unfortunate loss of someone or something you care about.
Haley Campbell, PLPC, CGP, CAIP
Clinical Therapist at Clarte Counseling, LLC
